In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules
Knowledge: In order to engage a self-hating, vein-slashing, alchohol-overdose-loving goth queen you must speak their language. It is imperative that your opinion is “that their first albums were better”, no matter what band. You also agree that the no-name band X is better than the latest AFI album. Gothic music encompasses a number of different styles.
In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules
Try to paralyze the muscles of your face, so that you’ll have that exact one look on your face for the rest of your life. Just make sure it doesn’t freeze to smile. Losing the ability to speak doesn’t matter, nobody would listen to you anyway. Get depressed when you realize how insignificant people think you are. Watch The Crow often.
In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules
Special notice: Bowel diseases are NOT goth. She isn’t going to believe you are super depressed about your IBS. Although you should be, Ouch! You must have a psychological disorder (dude, you like goth chicks you already have one of those!). A sleeping disorder is a MUST (whether you don’t sleep enough or sleep all day). Some weird, rare, neurological syndrome that affects you every other full moon is a bonus.
In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules
Start collecting knives, swords, axes, razors, and other sharp objects to use as wall hangings.
In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules
Use a walking stick even if you don’t need one. They add dramatic effect. Especially if they’re black and intricately designed. You get extra points if there’s a secret compartment inside.
In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules
Become a hypochondriac. Even if all the chains, scary clothing, and anorexia hasn’t caused you mortal illness yet, you should act like it has. It will make you seem mature and angsty. Silent angst is deeper and darker when it comes from an illness, thus making you more attractive to the goth chicks.
In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick https://datingreviewer.net/nl/honden-daten/, you must follow my simple rules
Change your name to something along the lines of “Draven”, or something Victorian and a tiny bit faggish (if you fail with goth chicks there are always goth guys, but be warned: they will get competitive about hair length).
In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules
Drink to angst often. However, beer is not an option. The only acceptable drinks are either illegal, red, or have the word blood in them. Bloody Mary, Whiskey, Absinthe, Bloody Absinthe, Blood, Bloody blood with extra blood/poison in it, Diet blood, Cheesecake’s blood, Red wine, Poison, Cocktails with any combination of the above, Rum*.
In order to get the attention of an ‘I’m so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive’ Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules
(*)This was formally known as something that only pirates drank. However, seeing you drink rum in a goth pub will get your targeted audience (a.k.a.smoking hot goth chicks) confused and torn between tagging you as either very gay or very cool. They will eventually settle for very cool as their greatest weakness is the desperate quest for originality in the pursuit of the ultimate goth-ness. You should obviously take advantage of this weakness. However, do not forget to act casually depressed whilst drinking the rum. Goth chicks can smell fear.
